Auditioning but not alone...

It wasn't my best moment.  Communication had progressed with the director.  The audition was scheduled.  (Just for the record, I do not do well with testing, auditions or anything that puts my abilities, knowledge or life direction on the line.)  The day arrived.  Thanks to weather changes, asthma, sinus issues and allergies, my voice was eighty percent gone.  So I did what any responsible musician would do.  I emailed the director and asked what was the best option as I secretly hoped she would cancel the audition and grant...oh, let's say about ten years...to recover.  Being the understanding person she is, she told me to come in and audition anyway.  There went my backup plan.  

My voice was seriously limited.  As a soprano accustomed to hitting high notes, it was discouraging to sound more like a bass.  Yet I had been encouraged by a dear friend to join the community choir for years and now seemed like the right time to do so.  I tried everything I could to recover...hot showers, hot tea, warm-ups.  Nothing worked.  I was concerned.

Our daughter also auditioned that evening.  She is known for her angelic voice and here I was, "Mom with the raspy, basement voice," auditioning by her.  Rachel was encouraging.  I was terrified.  I am a perfectionist.  This was not going well...and definitely not perfectly.  I drove by Rachel's house, wondering why I was going through this "detour to disaster."  I warned her that I was ready to acknowledge her acceptance and my...non-acceptance. I would be happy for her.  Besides, so much is going on in my life, it will be best for me to wait.  I knew deep within, however, that being unable to sing with the choir would be disappointing for many reasons.  I love music.  Music is one of my greatest passions.  Yet I am not a quitter so here I was...determined to handle this like a southern lady...gracious, strong, polite...until I could privately crash at home.  

Arriving at the studio, we realized there were steps...many, steep steps.  It looked like 9,125 steps, at least.  There were probably only fifteen.  An asthma attack once I reached the top of the steps didn't help.  By the time I used my inhaler, (which makes one's voice more raspy), tried to recover, (meaning, short of breath), and realized my voice had now been reduced to ten percent,  I was not feeling victorious.  

Yet telling a southern, Cherokee, middle-aged mom that she can't do something actually feeds her determination to do it even more.  I had to try.  Let's just say that the director and accompanist had hearts of gold.  Both Rachel and I were later invited to be a part of the choir!

When I told a dear friend about my experience, she said, "Honey, the only thing you had on your side was God."  I agreed and began thinking.  My life journey has held many tough days and amazing days.  Yet when I consider all that has happened, I have no doubt that the only way I survived...was God.  Whether I am speaking or silent, breathing or broken, celebrating or sobbing, determined or distracted, He is the reason for my strength, hope, joy and peace.  His love embraces and sustains me.  His Presence is my reason...to keep on singing...no matter what...every day.  I am amazed.  I am grateful.  I am never alone.<3~thl